I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
