I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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