She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
