Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Did you pee in the oven last night??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
