The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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