Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
