haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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