my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
