my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i love accidental penises.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
