saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
