the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
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