watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
