I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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