You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
