so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You need Xanax blowdarts
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
