me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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