How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Is Oprah even human
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
