Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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