the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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