Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
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