so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
It's not a walk of shame if you run
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
