whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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