did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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