you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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