I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
