Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
