Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We were destined to go to rehab together
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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