Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
