you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
