I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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