im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
