I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
