He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
