it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
