i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
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