I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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