I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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