I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
