i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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