I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
