Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
