Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
