i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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