Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
