Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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