Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
