Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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