Have you finally orgasmed yet?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I'm passing your future prison.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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