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I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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