My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
