if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
