I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
