mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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