my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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