May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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