need another drink. this is the easiest way
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
You may now shotgun with the bride
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
