my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
