I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
