Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
