In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
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