Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
