Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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