I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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