My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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