I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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