I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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long story
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weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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