just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Randomize
