Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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